As someone who has dated several women from different countries, including the Philippines, I know that it can be a rewarding experience but also comes with unique challenges. Cultural differences are bound to exist when a Western man and a Filipina meet, and if not properly addressed, they can lead to misunderstandings and problems.
Foreigners dating Filipinas commonly encounter issues related to socio-economics and maintaining long-distance relationships. Additionally, they often find themselves unprepared for feelings of clinginess, jealousy, and the rapid development of love. It is crucial for foreigners to familiarize themselves with Filipino concepts like “losing face” and “tampo” in order to navigate and prevent potential misunderstandings.
This guide will explore some of the most common challenges I’ve faced when dating Filipinas and offer constructive solutions to overcome cross-cultural difficulties. With mutual respect and understanding, a strong intercultural relationship is possible.
Also see: The Ultimate Guide to Dating Women in the Philippines
7) Language Barrier
Many Filipinas speak wonderful English, but their level of fluency can vary greatly. I’ve found that women from the provinces (small towns) sometimes have limited English skills and may struggle to communicate their thoughts and feelings clearly. In the metro cities like Cebu and Manila, the women tend to have a high proficiency in English and this is not a problem.
Patience and open-mindedness are key when dating someone still learning English. Don’t get frustrated if you have to repeat yourself or rephrase what you’re trying to say. Speaking slowly and clearly can help. Using body language like pointing or gestures can also aid communication.
Smartphone translation apps can be useful tools for overcoming language gaps. Google Translate allows you to type or speak a phrase and translate it to Tagalog or another Filipino language like Cebuano, for example. Overall, one of the major draws about dating in the Philippines is the English proficiency which is much better than other Southeast Asian countries like Thailand, Vietnam, and Cambodia.
6) Saving Face
Similar to many other cultures in SouthEast Asia, saving face is extremely important in Filipino culture. I’ve heard these cultures described as “shame based cultures,” meaning people do not want to cause any shame to their family while in public. Public confrontations or criticisms can cause a Filipina to “lose face” which can be humiliating and damaging to her reputation.
Filipinos are extra sensitive and place a high value on preserving social harmony and avoiding conflict. Openly criticizing, challenging, or trying to correct someone in public is seen as disrespectful and can cause deep embarrassment and shame. Men coming from Western countries may find this confusing because in their home country it may be common to outwardly express their frustrations.
One experience that I had with “saving face” was when I took my Filipina girlfriend to the shopping mall because she needed a swimsuit. I pulled out my wallet to hand her some cash to buy the swimsuit. This caused her to feel embarrassed, therefore losing face. She later told me that she didn’t want other Filipinos to see me handing her money because they could falsely judge her as a “gold-digger”. If you have an issue with your girlfriend, it’s best to gently bring it up in private. Wait until you have privacy and can have a calm discussion.
5) “Tampo” – The Filipina Cold Shoulder
Tampo refers to when a Filipina gives the “silent treatment” to her boyfriend or husband. This is a common cultural practice in the Philippines that foreigners should be aware of. It involves withdrawing affection and refusing to communicate as a way for a Filipina to express hurt feelings or disappointment. She may give the cold shoulder for something as small as not responding to a text quickly enough.
When tampo sets in, it’s best to give her space and not force communication. Pressuring her to open up can prolong the tampo or create a fiery response. It can last anywhere from a few hours to a few days or even weeks, depending on the severity of the issue. In my experience, it can be frustrating because often times she won’t even tell you what the problem is.
Patience is key. In the meantime, I’ve found the best solution is to get out of the house and hang out with friends or expats who understand the cultural nuances. However, tampo shouldn’t be tolerated indefinitely. The other solution that I’ve found, is to set a boundary by kindly ask her to leave your residence if she is unwilling to change her mood.
4) Clinginess and Jealousy
Many Filipina women tend to be more emotionally dependent and clingy in relationships compared to Western women. They often desire constant communication throughout the day via text and expect their boyfriend to be available to them at all times. If you don’t respond right away, they may think you are ignoring them or even worse, talking to other women.
I believe the roots of their clinginess and jealousy stem from good intentions. Many Filipinas desire a long-term relationship with a foreign man and will do their best to keep him happy. Their over-bearing tendencies tend to show up from insecurity and fear of losing you. They may frequently ask who you are texting or talking to and want access to your phone and social media.
Here are some tips for dealing with clinginess and jealousy in relationships with Filipina women:
- Maintain open and honest communication. Reassure her of your feelings and commitment.
- Set healthy boundaries. Explain your need for personal time and space.
- Give her a general sense of your schedule so she knows when to expect communication or quality time.
- Explain to her that you need time to focus on your daily tasks and don’t like being interrupted.
- Keep your phone passcode protected. You deserve privacy. You don’t want Filipinas sneakily going through your message history.
- If she violates the trust or acts irrationally jealous, have a serious discussion and reconsider the relationship.
3) “Filipino Time” vs “Western Time”
One of the most frustrating things about dating in the Philippines is dealing with “Filipino Time”, where people regularly show up over an hour late. I’ve since learned that this is quite typical across Southeast Asian and South American countries. Westerners, like myself, are used to being punctual with the timing of our planned appointments. If I agree to meet at 6pm, I am usually there 10 minutes early. However, in the Philippines, people are almost always late.
I’ve had women show up two hours after our scheduled meet time. Some of the tardiness is their fault and the rest is due to the unpredictability of traffic. Predicting traffic is far more difficult due to the unreliability of Jeepneys and public transportation. Also, when it rains, the traffic can go extremely haywire.
One of my favorite strategies is to book a hotel or condo next to a shopping mall, like Ayala Center Cebu. My favorite hotels in this area are Quest and Parklane. I always plan my dates at the shopping mall, so when a Filipina is late, I can simply relax in my apartment or continue being productive without having to waste time in the mall.
2) “Leading With Your Wallet”
One of the most common issues I’ve witnessed in the Philippines is foreign men leading with their wallet too much, especially early in the relationship, creating unmanageable expectations later. When Western men leave their home country where they may have been struggling with the modern dating culture and arrive in the Philippines, they suddenly feel like a “catch” again, having numerous opportunities to date younger, more beautiful women overseas than they could at home.
It’s very easy to get enamored with a Filipina woman’s outside beauty when you start dating in the Philippines. I’ve seen men try to impress her with romantic dinners, vacations to the beach, and shopping sprees. But as time passes, they can’t keep the extravagant lifestyle going forever and have difficulty toning down the spending.
Later on, you may hear some of these foreigners complain that “she’s a gold-digger” or “she only wants me for my money“. They fail to realize that they self-created the situation by trying to be a “big-shot” early on. It’s better to start small and as the relationship grows, gradually increase the amount of expensive activities you partake. Or, at least, filter women properly from the start and avoid women who seem to be after your wallet and not you.
It’s true that many Filipinas come from challenging economic backgrounds, so when dating foreign men, some may expect or hope for financial support. This can create misunderstandings and conflicts if expectations are unclear.
Also, be on the lookout for gold-diggers and learn how to avoid them. Pay attention to what your girlfriend desires from you, if anything at all. Does she have dreams and desires of lavish handbags, stylish clothes, and expensive vacations? Or is she prudent, focused on necessities like food, rice, and paying bills?
1) Long Distance Challenges
When dating someone from the Philippines, you will likely encounter challenges related to the physical distance between you, especially when you leave the Philippines. Being separated by thousands of miles makes it difficult to have a normal dating relationship. You can’t go on regular dates, be physically intimate, or spend meaningful time together in-person.
Several times in my past I have met a wonderful Filipina woman in the Philippines and started a relationship. In those instances, I always had to return to the United States because of job responsibilities, with an indefinite return date. Those relationships usually last a few months via long-distance but seemingly fizzle out after awhile.
There are a few solutions to help cope with the long distance:
- Communicate frequently – Make an effort to chat, call, and video chat as much as possible. Strive for one video call per day.
- Visit when possible – Try to visit your girlfriend in the Philippines as often as you can, even if just for a few weeks.
- Have an end goal – If you’re serious about the relationship long-term, make plans to eventually close the gap by moving to the Philippines or bringing her to your country.
For a more in-depth guide on long-distance challenges, check out my article on How To Maintain A Long-Distance Relationship With A Filipina.