Throughout my time dating internationally, I have encountered moments of deep connection as well as painful heartbreaks. One particular phrase that struck a chord with me through my various relationships, first heard in the Philippines in 2019, was “she’s not yours, it’s just your turn.” Initially, this might sound quite cynical, but upon reflection, it highlights a pragmatic view of transient romantic interactions, particularly when dating internationally.
This article will explore the validity and implications of this concept through my experiences with international dating. Additionally, it’s worth mentioning its counterpart, “you didn’t lose the woman, you just lost your turn,” which echoes a similar sentiment.
Is This Phrase Valid When Dating Abroad?
International dating dynamics often differ significantly from domestic ones. Foreign women may frequently encounter male travelers who are in the country temporarily. And it can be a sad reality for them, having high hopes a falling in love and having a long-term relationship with a Western man that is only in their country for a brief period of time. Seeing men come and go in their country, these women can become “hopeless romantics.”
This transient nature of relationships can lead to connections that inevitably dissolve once long distance comes into play. For many Western men who do not settle permanently abroad, such relationships are seldom long-lasting, although there are plenty of success stories.
Several factors support the notion of impermanent romantic turns in international dating. Cultural differences, language barriers, and the intermittent presence of foreign partners can all facilitate a rotating door of relationships. However, one major exception to this rule occurs when a woman marries, theoretically ending the cycle of “turns.”
During my travels in Thailand, the Philippines, and Colombia, I have seen these patterns play out frequently. Relationships would flourish during my stay but would dissolve by the time of my return, only for new relationships to form and dissolve again.
To have success dating internationally, don’t neglect the important of understanding culture and appropriate behavior. Check out my article on that: 5 Key Cultural Differences When Dating Internationally
My Experiences
Cebu City, Philippines, 2019 – 2024
During my first visit to the Philippines in 2019, I developed feelings for a woman named Honey. At the time, I was only in Cebu City for a month and wasn’t financially or career-wise prepared for sustained long-term travel. Honey, being smart, wouldn’t entertain the idea of a long-term relationship with me, but was fine with “just having fun” during my initial stay. Even though I tried and wanted a serious relationship with her, she declined to date me, telling me that she didn’t like long-distance relationships (LDRs).
When I went back to the Philippines the following year, I got in touch with Honey again, only to find out she was already in a relationship with a German man. This news was disappointing, but luckily, there were plenty of other single women in the Philippines open to dating.
On a third, subsequent visit to the Philippines in 2022, following the COVID-19 pandemic, I contacted Honey once more. She was single again, so we started dating once more, and then I had to leave again. When I went back to the Cebu, Philippines for a fourth trip in 2024, Honey was once again in a relationship with a man from Israel.
So, you can see that “you didn’t lose the girl, you just lost your turn” holds true in this scenario, even though the tone of the phrase does sound cynical. And you can see that it is an unfortunate reality for lots of women overseas, that many foreign men come into the country but do not stay permanently, and therefore, creating a cycle of relationships.
Also see: The Ultimate Guide to Dating Women in the Philippines
Medellin, Colombia 2023 – 2024
In Medellin, Colombia between 2023 and 2024, I started dating a woman named Luisa, who was one of the most beautiful women I had ever met. We were together for five months locally, and then tried to keep the relationship going long-distance for another three months, making it a total of eight months. Unfortunately, the relationship ended due to the geographical distance and a lack of intimacy.
When I returned to Medellin in 2024, I contacted Luisa to see if we could rekindle our relationship. She seemed open to the idea. However, as we spent more time together, it became evident that things had changed; she wasn’t open about these changes. After trying to make it work for a few weeks, we both agreed that it wasn’t meant to be.
Surprisingly, just two weeks after we ended things in 2024, I learned that Luisa was quickly engaged to another man from Turkey. It turned out she had started seeing him after I had left Medellin the previous year. While I don’t have details of their relationship timeline, and can’t say whether there was any overlap, she had indeed accepted his proposal.
From this experience, “she’s not your, it’s just your turn” held valid for a period of time. Of course, with Luisa getting married she will no longer be available to date and I am truly happy for her.
Also see: The Complete Guide To Dating In Colombia As A Foreigner
Conclusion
These experiences suggest a broader truth: perhaps we should not view our partners in relationships, especially international ones, as possessions but rather as experiences. By adopting an open-door policy and embracing temporary connections for what they are—seasonal or reason-based—we mitigate heartbreak and can appreciate the moments shared. This mindset aligns well with an idea that I heard from a dear friend, that women, like anyone else, “come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.” Embrace each relationship in its context and keep expectations realistic, particularly in the fluid world of international dating.