As a world traveler I realize that dating internationally can be an exhilarating adventure, yet filled with common pitfalls that can be easily avoided with a little cultural insight and honesty. Making mistakes is expected but the key is to not make the same mistakes twice! These mistakes can turn into worthwhile lessons with some awareness and reflection.
In this article I will highlight the most common mistakes that foreigners make when dating women overseas. Some of them I have made personally and learned the hard way from. Other mistakes I have witnessed others make and was able to navigate around them through observation and learning. Understanding these challenges can profoundly impact the quality of your relationships abroad.
Also see: The Complete Guide to International Dating For Western Men
#1 – Lack of Cultural Awareness and Acceptance
One of the most significant errors is a lack of cultural awareness. Many men overseas forget that they are actually guests in a foreign country and carry attitudes or expectations that are not only inappropriate but sometimes offensive.
When you start traveling, you will run into the expats that complain and whine about how things are overseas. Sometimes I even tell them that “if you don’t like the foreign country you are in, then consider moving back to your home country.” That usually quiets them down.
In Colombia, I saw an expat yell at a restaurant employee because she got his order wrong – “LEARN ENGLISH!” The expat, clearly lost sight that he is an expat in a Spanish speaking country. It was not her obligation to speak English, but was his duty to learn Spanish.
For dating in particular, it is important to do some research about culturally acceptable behavior in different countries before you arrive. Public displays of affection are extremely frowned upon in many Southeast Asian countries, for example, but not taboo in Latin America. One of the mistakes I made in the Philippines was trying to smooch on a girlfriend while sitting in a coffee shop at the mall. She was quite embarrassed and I learned to never do that again.
Also see: Common Issues w/ Solutions For Expats Dating Filipinas
#2 – Prioritizing Outside Beauty Over Inside Beauty
Prioritizing physical beauty over important personality characteristics such as integrity, kindness, and honesty, is a mistake that I had to learn the hard way. It’s a difficult challenge for Western men because they suddenly realize that they are “a catch” overseas while they might have felt invisible in their home country. When men, like myself, begin the journey of dating internationally, it is initially surprising to learn that there are many beautiful, younger women that are interested in dating them.
One Colombian woman in particular was the most beautiful woman that I had ever dated. Beyond her stunning looks, Latin women can be quite seducing with their energetic personalities and ability to move their body while dancing. After not having much success dating in the United States I really couldn’t believe that a woman that beautiful would want to date me. However, her outside beauty blinded me to properly qualifying her inside characteristics. While I thought we were in a monogamous, committed relationship – I caught her dating other men on the side.
Also realize that some women seek foreign men for the wrong reasons. While you might be falling in love with her, she might only see you as dollar signs. Be on guard for scams and gold-diggers, and if it looks too good to be true it often is.
#3 – Not Staying In The Country Long Enough
A brief tour isn’t usually enough to understand the local dating culture or develop meaningful relationships. I meet lots of men traveling overseas that are “looking for a girlfriend” but are only able to stay in the country for one or two weeks.
To travel or stay in a foreign country long-term, I realize that the biggest challenges for most men are related to money. Getting your finances stable for monthly reoccurring income is the biggest bottleneck for most would-be expats. That’s why I created a free guide, based off my experience, that explores different options for financially supporting yourself, with several ideas that you probably hadn’t thought of. You can have it delivered to your email 100% free by simply providing your name and email address here: Travel The World: 7 Financial Paths To Supporting Yourself Monetarily
Staying longer than an average tourist significantly opens up your dating options. In my experience, many quality women will not entertain a short-term relationship with men that are only visiting briefly as a tourist. When you are only in a country for a week or two you are more likely to attract women that are seeking short-term relationships, sometimes at a cost. On the flip-side, staying longer than a month will provide deeper immersion and better opportunities for genuine dating connections.
#4 – Falling In Love Too Quickly
Another mistake men make is fixating on the first beautiful woman they meet. This is another lesson that I learned the hard way. On my first trip overseas – a trip to Cebu City, Philippines – I met a stunning Filipina woman from Tinder on my very first day in the country. Having just experienced years of difficulty dating in the United States, she was at the time, the most beautiful woman I had ever dated and I quickly fell in love with her.
The relationship did not work out because I was not yet capable of staying in the Philippines long-term and had to return to the United States after just a three week trip. And as a quality woman, she said that she was not interested in long-distance relationships. Being in love, this broke my heart. On subsequent trips to the Philippines, I got to know her better, and we both realized we were not a good match for each other.
I’ve witnessed friends of mine who had similar experiences. They met a foreign woman very quickly, fell in love, and even married them. Later on, they regretted not taking their time and playing the field in order to find a more compatible partner. In the early stages, lust and desire take stronghold, but eventually the beauty will wear off. It’s better for men to take their time getting to know prospective girlfriends and allow genuine connections to be made.
#5 – Not Knowing That Women Prefer Directness Overseas
Another misstep is not recognizing that many women overseas appreciate directness over “beating around the bush.” Coming from a Western dating culture, like the United States, I have been conditioned to be indirect about the type of relationship I am seeking because of fear of being chastised or accused of being creepy.
Please note that there is a big difference between being direct and being disrespectful. In general, foreign women despise men who solicit them for nude photos online and engage in dirty talk. Don’t do these things. Instead, keep messages light, flirty, and innocent.
However, after dating internationally for several years, one thing I commonly hear from foreign women is how much they appreciate directness and authenticity. A few of them have told me directly, “thank you for being honest about your intentions with me.” Don’t be afraid to tell them if you are only in a country for two weeks and not seeking a long-term relationship. It is okay to tell foreign women the truth about looking for a short-term relationships or fun. You will be surprised by how many women will still be open to meeting you for a date.
Remember, foreign women aren’t foolish — particularly in highly visited tourist regions, local women are used to foreign men wandering in and out of their lives. It’s best to be straightforward about your plans and intentions.
#6 – Not Finding The Local Expat Community Immediately
I would argue that you should prioritize meeting your local expat community even before you begin your mission of finding dates or a girlfriend. Every city that I have visited overseas has expats living either full-time or part-time in the country. Integrate with these men and learn from their mistakes. Soak in their advice and suggestions. Most will be glad to help fellow travelers.
On the flip side, be cautious making friends with expats who are negative because it can become contagious. You will run into men who complain and whine about women in certain countries. Men who continuously have bad experiences while dating have what I call a “broken-picker” when picking quality women. Although, maybe you can learn from their mistakes as well.
Integrating with the local expat community can be immensely beneficial. These communities provide valuable insights into the dos and don’ts of local culture, including dating etiquette. As a tennis and pickleball player, one of my favorite groups to get involved with is the local tennis community. Usually there are friendly expats in these groups. Other expats can often be found in foreign-owned businesses, like restaurants and cafes, and common expat hangouts in shopping centers.
#7 – Not Embracing The Traditional Gender Roles
Dating overseas has been a breathe of relief for me personally because the traditional gender roles remain intact. Women in Thailand, the Philippines, and Colombia, for example, typically embrace feminine roles in the household like cleaning, cooking, and doing laundry. With you being the man, you are expected to be a leader, protector, and to financially support the household. This doesn’t mean that she is going to be your slave but an equally contributing partner, albeit in different ways than you may be used to.
As a Westerner, I come from a culture where feminism and equality have taken afoot. I’m not saying this is good or bad, it is just that I prefer distinct roles of feminine and masculine in my relationships. It was easy to bring some of my pre-conditioned tendencies when I began dating internationally. Try to shake off these tendencies and be open-minded when dating in different cultures.
Every foreign woman is different and some may still prefer to have a job and not solely rely on your income. Consider that a good woman. But in general, foreign women want and will even encourage you to be the man. Embrace this role. Aim to create a connection that is mutually beneficial to both partners and one that is founded on respect for each other.